I think I should share with you questions that it is never alright to ask a mother, particularly a mother who has multiples or children really close together or really far apart. This idea was precipitated by an encounter that occurred as I was dropping the Girls off at school this morning. I was wondering if I would actually follow through on Day 2 of my experiment here, when I got one of my favorite questions (NOT) from a parent at school. I had to answer a really stupid, rude question and I had not even had sufficient coffee.
And I should apologize in advance to any delicate readers: some of these Q's REALLY piss me off, so I might curse. A lot.
Let's start with what initiated my diatribe this morning:
1) "So how do you tell the girls apart?"
Um, I look at them. Try it. It helps.
Yet the conversation continues...
No seriously, they are not identical. Yes, I'm sure. (Are you for real jackhole? Did you just ask their mother if she's sure that they aren't identical?)
Now I realize that McCann and McCarthy have the same coloring and therefore somewhat look alike, but if you spend more than two seconds looking at them, the similarities vanish. McCann looks like my mother and McCarthy looks a combination of her grandfathers (which, startlingly, produces a very pretty girl.) McManus, on the other hand, looks like her father ejected a rib and she sprang out of it. There is no mistaking her and that's before she even opens up her mouth.
This guy still wouldn't let it go.
"I really think McCann is the tallest. Don't you?"
No
"Really?" [Meanwhile, McCann is glowing in her supposed superiority over her sisters, and McCarthy is just GLOWERING at this DB, and really little-man-with-dumb-questions, you do not want to piss her off. She makes Calvin and Hobbes look like Pollyanna.)
Uh, let me ask...how many kids do you have?
"Just this one."
Gee, you don't say...
2) Did you conceive naturally or did you have "help?"
Yes, we had help. My mother disguised as an East German judge gave me a 6. I think it was the dismount.
Ok, I realize that if you haven't been through it, or don't have children, there is a natural curiosity associated with births of multiples, or siblings very far apart, or to older parents, or whatever. But let me be clear:
IT IS NEVER OK TO ASK ANYONE THIS QUESTION IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. NEVER EVER EVER.
I don't even care if you've gone through fertility or multiple births and therefore assume a kinship with me. Would you discuss your sex life with a perfect stranger in the grocery store? No? So why should I? Conception methodology is an offshoot of sex life details, and unless we've either been friends for a long time OR we've just had a lot of wine over a short period of time, there is no effing way this subject should come up. Its ridiculous.
And even worse is when fucktards ask me this in front of my kids. I am irate (can you tell?) that my four-year olds have heard this so often in their presence that they have actually asked what "fertility" means. And yes campers, I am serious.
While Hughes' response is the best (Nope, we had sex three times in one night), I still can't bring myself to say that in front of the girls. Just don't go there. Are we clear?
And any variations of this question are also non-gratis:
2a) Ooh, triplets. Are they natural?
Nope, they are synthetic holograms. See how my hand passes right through them, totally unlike how it bitch-slaps the back of your blockhead.
2b) Oh, do triplets run in your family?
Yes, they run everywhere, unless you're trying to get them in the car and then you're basically herding cats. And for the record I have a cousin with twins and another cousin with triplet boys a year older than my kids. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I have several other additions to this list, but it seems that I now have to fit in anger management classes and procurement of Tourettes medication to my list of chores before my hours of leisure and laundry pass, so I'll be off.
Look for another edition of NON-FAQ tomorrow. Slainte.
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