Dear Disney

Dear Disney:

We have to talk.  And I realize that's what you usually say when you start a conversation with  someone you want to break up with.  Trust me I'm all I- wish- i- knew-how- to- quit- you and stuff, but unfortunately for me, it's my daughters that are Princess junkies. My sweet, young, impressionable, part time little terror suspects, 4-year old princesses.  Seeing as they are my progeny, I believe I have the right to set a few ground-rules and point out some off the problems with our relationship.

1). Snow White. Ok, I'm going to actually give you the benefit of the doubt and assume here that you wish this shiz would stay in the vault and never come out.  In fact, some marketing and PR people are in absolute apoplexy about this one's persistent visibility. I mean really, young princess with no appreciable skills or resources waiting on 7 little men...whuck?  


If she's such a hottie that the prince loses his mind when he sees her, she could have at least gotten a modeling contract or something. Or if her crazy ass fear of being found by the witch faults this plotline, she could have been one of those models that only shows specific body parts like her hands. Or lips. And gold old Charming could have spent the movie desperately chasing after his identical lip twin.

And an apple. Did you have to hide the damn poison I an apple?  You could have at least put it inside a double-stuffed oreo chipwich to demonstrate the dangers of white flour and processed sugar. Come on now...

2). Sleeping Beauty. Kill her/no save her with true love's kiss. Whuck is up with this logic?  Who wrote this stuff, Ian Flemming?  Kill her, save her or ger on with life.  And WHAT is with the glossed-over part with her parents letting her go to live in the woods with 3 clearly-inept fairies?  Come on now...

3) Little Mermaid. What. The. Eff?  When your 16 years old, be a total self-involved priss, disobey your father and run off with sone sea-faring, oat-sowing, unable-to -settle down half-assed prince.  Who, might I add, is easily hoodwinked and shows a serious lack of judgment.  Oh, and never see your family again.  Give it all up for the dude!  WOOT!  


And to facilitate this little rebellion, do it by taking some hallucinogenic drug potion from the local drug dealer octopus. And do it with your double DD's spilling out of a clamshell bathing suit. That's the ticket!

4).  Aladdin. Alright, so, we make some headway here in so much as Jasmine, although naive, demonstrates decent judgment. (And way to show the dangers of running away this time!)  But really...the clothes?  Are you serious?  She looks like refugee from Whore Island trying out for an MC Hammer video.  Even Kim Kardashian can't pull off that look.  


The major issue: bandeau top with fringe?  Really?  We 'met' Jasmine at Disney World and I tell you, those shiny hangy things on her top (and I use that term loosely,) they're like catnip for little kids.  They couldn't keep the or hands off this poor girl--I thought we might have to call in SVU at one point.


I'm just saying its not a necessary step in princess accoutrema.  What's next for princess-wear, vajazzeling ?

5) Princess and the Frog.  Ok, Tiana is a step in the right direction.  She has brains and balls and a fierce will.  Me likey.   But WHUCK?  She goes for a lout with no job, prosects or drive who only wants her because he thinks she has money.  Seriously?  So now he's stupid on top of a lout.  Even the beast had a few redeeming qualities, in that Eminem-quasi-abusive-passionate sort of way.  Sigh...


Since one of my biggest pet peeves in life is people who moan and complain without ever offering a solution, I propose the following creatives:

A.  For the love of god, please make a princess with short hair and a waist commiserate with double dd's. Please. If you insist on giving her a small waist, nix the boobs.  Its only fair.  And don't listen to Mattel when they tell you Fat Barbie didn't sell.  Blow up dolls are nice and fluffy and I hear they sell like gangbusters.  Ok, maybe that's a bad example... 
(Editor's Note: and the knowledge of which is part of the ceiling hook story that I'm saving for a rainy day.)


B.  Show the princesses messy.  And getting timeouts for not cleaning up their $hit.  And from nice mommies, not axis-of-evil stepmommies, or dead and therefore idealized parents.  


C.  Since the story lines have finally evolved into broads with brains and balls (figurative of course), can we now eliminate the hoe clothing?  Does everything have to have a V-neck?  How about a nice pair of jeans and a ponytail?  Would this really kill your graphic designers?  Let's make your marketing people actually have to work a little...


D.  Happily Ever After neither begins nor ends with a kiss, so let's explore this, at least a little.  I'm not saying we have to go into explicits on the true details of domestic bliss, but I don't think it would hurt to show the terrible beauty of the chaos that is real life.  Even for a princess.  


Or A Queen.