Problem-Childs in Kids' Media

I think that a large part of parental brain rot stems from the incessant, insipid, and ignorant stream of diatribes that come from children's music, TV, toys, etc.  The stuff pretty much requires a backhoe to pull it out, and it takes up space of useful/fun/popular knowledge and witticisms that used to connect you with the rest of the world.


I realize that its some sort of parental right-of-passage to wade through this crap material, but in the interests of benevolence that is sadly lacking in this world, I'd suggest that you avoid the following if you can:


1.  Yo Gabba Gabba
This show seems like some sort of acid trip punishment to parents who ever partied too much in college.  Just when the refrain of "Don't. Bite. Your-friends" is floating through your head, the next skit come on and your brain crash-merges the kid lesson with "YOU!  You got what I NEE-EED..."  Biz's beats is just flat out wrong.  And the drawing guy? The one who looks like a cross of Chester the Molester and the Dude from MythBusters--Mommy-Dar registers a high creep factor.  Wrong and Unnecessary.




2.  Caillou  
Seriously. Whuck.  I...


Ugh.


I can't even talk about this show without spittle and stuttering overtaking me.  Its kind of like the Godfather's reaction every April 15.


The only conclusion that I can come to is that PBS purposely puts this show out as a warning: If you parent like this, your child will be a whiny, tantrum-prone, wussy little shit PITA.  Cuidado!




3. Dora
My issue with this Nick Jr staple isn't the message, or the kids' behavior, and yeah, I'm down with the bilingual messages.


Its in the delivery.   WHUCK is up with Dora and Boots screaming everything?  Do they get their scripts stuck in Caps Lock?


I HAD TO STOP HER FROM SCREAMING.


And it has kind of gotten annoying that every process in our house now has the Dora-formula-three-step-process, even those totally unrelated to kids.  "Hey hon, how about a date night?"  Sure!  "Wine.  Dinner.  You-might-get-lucky!"


(Side Note: while at my friend Lisa's daughter's third birthday party last year, Dora-themed of course, they bought out a gigantic Dora head pinata.  Our husbands remarked that this was the wussy-ass fake pinata where you only pull the strings to get the goods, instead of using the traditional bat.  My girl Lisa was astute enough to remind us all, "Umm, guys, you can't beat the sh!t out of Dora with a bat.  The kids will cry."  I'm thinking her time as a family law attorney was particularly useful in this observation.)




4.  Max & Ruby
I'm pretty sure that this cartoon was inspired by the Menendez Brothers.  Where are the parents?  And why is the Grandmother always on the sauce?  And WHY is Ruby such a bossy-PITA?  Why in God's name would you make this kids' entertainment?

Do you see what I see?

5. Ni Hao Kai-Lan
For a show supposedly representative of Asian and Chinese culture, WHY does Kai-lan's face present with overly large, bugged out ocular features? Note here that I am not trying to be mean or insensitive; Bill O'Reilly is not one of my satire mentors. But not only do they portray the lead character withOUT the typical almond-shaped features of the culture they claim to celebrate, but they've gone in the complete opposite direction.


I mean, when Toot and Puddle went to Ireland, the pig they met up with had red hair, a ruddy face and a flask in his plaid cape. This was representational, if not artistically ideal.


6. The Fresh Beat Band
Here, we have a clear case of the writer from The Wiggles losing a bet with the director of White Men Can't Jump. Crap ensues...




Having said all of this--I realize that things are about to get a lot worse.  Miley Cyrus on the pole, Demi whats-her-name in Rehab, The Dude with the Bangs (WHUCK?), and the Grown up Dudes who no Longer Wear Purity Rings (perhaps due to Miley and Demi?).  These are all hallmarks of the next 'tween' phase, which is coming all-too-fast our way.  


Shrug.


I'll have new material, it would seem.  But in the meantime, I'm sticking to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (who wouldn't want handy helpers???), DragonTales and Clifford. And picking up the occassional song from Kids Place Live on SiriusXM.  


And I'm PRAYING they never know how to work the TV remote...